Decisions, Decisions

  This is a story about a guy.  This is not a story of sorrow, or happiness, it's just a story.  In fact, some of the things about this man may not intrigue you, nor make you empathize in any way.  In all honesty, feel free at any time to skip over any part of this story, about a man, that you don't care for.  This man is your normal working class male.  He, yes he, lives in a Manhattan apartment above a fish market.  Over the course of his life he has had a handful of girlfriends and one night stands.  On several occasions he though he was in love, but it turned out that he had a heart condition that made the inside of his chest tickle, it was torture.  Although, heart arrhythmia, in this day and age, seems to last longer than love, so maybe he really does have something to hold on to after all.
  This man works for an insurance firm as an accountant.  He works on the tenth floor of a ninety story building and sits next to a 300 lb. Hawaiian woman who was born in Ohio, Shaker Heights, Ohio.  Matilda, the Hawaiian behemoth, has never spoken a word to this man.  All during his fifteen years whit the firm, he has never once attempted to strike a conversation with Matilda, and Matilda has never attempted conversation with this man.  Sometimes at work, when he has nothing better to do, this man creates absurd scenarios where speaking to Matilda is imminent.  Maybe he is choking and no one else is around, or maybe he wants to try some Hawaiian delicacy but isn't sure whether or not it;s worth it to fly all the way to Hawaii just to eat some colorful fish.  This man imagines conquering his fear of communication with his co-worker, the last known woolly mammoth.  Thinking about his obscure interactions with Matilda detracts him from his musings, numbers.
  In school math was always his strong suit.  The only classes he ever excelled in were the math courses.  Calculus, trigonometry, geometry, algebra, and physics were always what he looked forward to at the beginning of the day.  This man was destined for greatness, he was going to be the next Nobel prize winning quantum physicist for discovering that gravity is a myth.  Unfortunately, much to his dismay, gravity is not a myth, it is not just in our heads.  Gravity, in fact, is quite real, as is alcoholism.  Both of his parents were raging alcoholics who found solace in Tanqueray and tequila, and hell in the bottom of a bottle.  So, in order to save his parents, this man dropped out of high school and got a full-time job at a liquor store., the irony is being 18 is almost unbearable.  Why save alcohol driven parents you ask? Why not? They are his parents.  Wouldn't you do the same?
  After realizing that his calling did not involve the question, "Paper or plastic?", this guy enrolled in the nearby two-year community college.  There he majored in business and graduated 51st in his class of 600.  With his degree he applied for many jobs involving numbers.  This believer in Atheism was driven by God to get a job as an accountant.  However, he never knew he could be so lucky to work with Matilda, the Enormous.  Luck has funny ways of making you believe.
  So now, here we are, amidst normality.  He wakes up, takes a shower, brushes his teeth, reads the paper, and relieves himself.  Once the morning pleasantries are through he starts his two hour commute to work.  Once at work, he sits.  Occasionally, his boss, Mr. Morgan Millburn (alliteration makes everything seem more important), comes around and makes sure this guy is doing his work, so he writes some numbers down.  But what he is really doing is estimating the number of sweat beads that are rolling down Matilda's surprisingly fascinating necks.  To this day he has never been right, some community college he went to.  When work is over around 5 this guy walks to the nearby grocery store, picks up dinner, and air freshener.  The smell of fish makes him shiver.  Then he makes the two hour trip back home to cook and eat the dinner he so easily purchased.  Now, I say that he purchased it easily because this time Gretchen wasn't in the store.  Gretchen is a nightmare.  Once his meal is consumed this guy puts his feet up and turns on the television, with his mind.  With his mind?  Of course he didn't turn the T.V. on with mind.  There is no such thing as telepathy.  Unless you are a twin, then telepathy is just like gravity. So is gravity real?
  Around 11 p.m. he goes to sleep only to repeat the same cycle.  Over and over this guy wakes up and goes through his day without wondering what he could have been.  He doesn't wonder what he did wrong, nor what he did right, if anything.  He does not wake up and decide to change his cycle, and he certainly does not plan on trying to talk to Matilda, ever.  You see, this is just a normal story about a normal guy with a normal life. But wait, is this where we find out who this guy is?  Why is there a story about him? Why isn't he a woman? Why is the author asking all of these questions for us?  For the purposes of the story it was a man.  But this person is you.  You made the big decision that affected your future.  You are the one who has to conquer your own Matilda, the mammoth in your life.  You are the normal person with the normal life and the normal story.  No one makes the right decisions and no one makes the wrong decisions.  They are all merely choices.  Who is to say what is right and what is wrong?  Is becoming rich, greedy, and powerful the right decision? Is dropping out of high school to aid your alcoholic kin the right decision?  Stop feeling sorry for yourself because you made the "wrong" decision and stop feeling good for the "right".  Some are physicists and some are garbage men.  Who are you? And what are you going to do about it?

Arguing With Shame

And like water against stone
It is your emotion that I am after
The depravity of bravery is where I find cowardice

It was fear that dragged the knife,
Between my ears. Not your hand.
"But you are brave!", I would whisper,
Into the same ears.

Naked and covered in blood
Like the truth should always be,
Nothing can hide behind
The filth.

As you are swallowed by the autumn leaves,
Self-hatred as your shield,
You will lose
Everything you will never have.